"certainty? in this world nothing is certain but death and taxes"

a little forewarning to my readers that this post will get a little raunchy... and a warning to my gay readers there will be graphic heterosexual content lol.

so to start it off lightly yesterday at work i got to talk to my gay crush customer. o he is dreamy though... but he's not like GORGEOUS cuz gorgeous guys tend to turn me off. WOMEN are supposed to be gorgeous. i would admire a gorgeous-looking guy, i just wouldn't like chop him or anything. but this guy he's tall, pretty built, and blond? (unusual cuz i never really like blond guys) but of all my male customers he really takes the cake--the beefcake--not really cuz he's not all that beefy. he's got a cute face and a deep voice--i'm a sucker for deep voices. so yesterday he ordered a chili from another till and he came back (to me) to ask for a plastic knife. i wanted to smile at that very moment but i had to put up an indifferent expression of course. and i said "ya sure thing!" and that was it. =P ya when i said a "talk" i meant THAT.

i asked one of my man-crazy female co-workers what she thought of the dude and she's like "he's ok" and i thought "D=< yes ="])." style="font-style: italic;">adj. Of, relating to, or having a sexual orientation to persons of either sex.

i guess you may call me bisexual. like i said in one of my earlier posts i dont really like labels to be honest. my blog title? its just to add character to it. i really think it's wrong for any of us to label our sexuality when it is one of the most complex ideas in the universe. maybe we should just say what we SEXUALLY DESIRE. homosexual, bisexual, heterosexual *shrugs shoulders* what we do know well better than our "labels" are what we like and maybe also the simple fact that we humans are... sexual--of course not all of us (for physical example look up mermaid syndrome... o and also those "asexuals"). we dont even know for certain what we really do like--heck in the words of the $100-bill guy "certainty? in this world nothing is certain but death and taxes"

some say that bisexuals are just gay men in denial, only a matter of time til they "fully" come out. not everything in the world is black and white dude. i fear that if i were to ever come out i would be condemned and not welcomed by both the homosexuals and the heterosexuals. but once again, that is not 100% certain of course.

now to explain my very own sexuality. you may not understand it unless you are me. even i dont fully understand it. and please dont judge me. only He is entitled to such doings. yes i am sexually aroused by both men and women. yes i've had sex with girls. no i have not had sex with men. when i was reading through my blog subscriptions i ran into craig's (the "one in eleven" guy i'm following) and he shared to his readers of these men call g0ys (spelled with a zero). honestly i was a shook a little after checking out their website. "am I a g0y?", i thought. craig sees them as "GMWHGM: Gay Men Who Hate Gay Men". why, you ask, did i question myself like that? because i too do not have the desire to fuck a dude in the ass nor have him fuck me there. it's not that i hate gay men in general, i'm just not interested in such acts. i dont even have sodomy with girls. would i be more interested in it in the future? maybe.

when i was in my preteens i had fantasies of fucking girls, in the pussy. never did i have such fantasies of fucking men in the ass though (not exactly because i'm a "christian"). although quite ironically there is nothing in the world that gets me off more than LOOKING at a guy's asshole. as much as i like pussy, a guy's starfish is... is... magical. BUT as much as i like men's bungholes, his dick does almost nothing to me. i'm guilty to honestly come out to you guys to say that... i have a pubic hair fetish--on men only though. (i know, ew. i'm sorry but its true) the darker and bushier the better--don't laugh at me! so, penis without the fro? next. but ironically again, ultra hairy men are a turn off. ya, not a fan of anal sex with men nor with women. cuddling with a guy or a girl, i'm totally up for that. giving oral sex to women, one of my favorite activities. oral sex with men--specifically ass play, ok. you see how unfathomable the human sexuality is? and i'm only the tip of the iceberg compared to others.

i might change in the future. i mean i never wanted a blowjob from women and that i totally detested them before actually trying it... and after trying it, boy did i eat my words--i mean she ate my dick. its a pussy with a fucking tongue... and unfortunately teeth too.

"so if the bible says it's wrong to have anal sex, then i'm off the hook, no?" just kidding, i do so much worse things than that--but then again not one sin is heavier than the other. i could just see it now if i were to ever come out as a "bisexual" to my church and tell them that i exceptionally dont have anal sex with men "but you have potential to". how dare you judge me even when i have not committed such a thing. but that's just my fantasy rant (we all have those right? hehe). so kinda funny story. a very good friend of mine who is now engaged to the pastor's daughter asked the pastor's wife if its ok to watch horror films. she said "it's totally ok. but with such 'horrific' exposure why would you risk yourself of being influenced to be 'evil'? i've seen it happen" RISK... why would you need to live a risk-free life? i also go clubbing and and partying and drinking but i know my limits. i know getting drunk is a sin. (i admit i've gotten drunk once. and that was recently on my 20th birthday. i thought why not, it's my bday, have some fun) i bet she'd give me the same lecture of why i would wanna risk getting drunk. you, my friend claim to be a "woman of God" who take no risks and live a boring life. I'm also trying to be a man of God but i'm able to spice up my life in the process.

"so we know you have unusual sexual preferences toward men. what about towards women?" nothing unusual really. i like big tits, tight pussy, long legs, slim body, cute face. just the average. not too big on big butts though. i mean not that i don't like them just kind of indifferent. big tits on a slim body are always a 3-thumbs up. although the most unusual i'd have to say is foreign, non-english accents turn me on. like the cute innocent girl who doesn't know how to speak much english... makes me go crazy and wanna fuck the shit out of her.

my story of how i knew i was "half gay"? actually i knew i liked hot men even when i was a little kid i think (as little as 5 i believe. was it lust or more of curiosity?). my very first gay voyeur experience was i think when i was a kid back in my country. so my brother's friend would sometimes come to our house to take a shower and our house was relatively "in bad condition" (do you guys say "ghetto"? cuz i'm guilty for saying that sometimes) so we had a little hole at the bottom corner of our bathroom door, big enough to see the person inside fully naked but kinda too small to not notice it quickly--i could've sworn my older brother carved it to check out our house maid taking a shower. so i saw him, completely naked, with a thick patch of pubes--and i just realized literally as i'm typing this now how i got my pubic hair fetish! you really do learn something everyday. i'm much more of a pervert when it comes to men. i definetely like to secretly watch naked men without them knowing more than i do voyeuring women. i find it very disrespectful to do that to women, like visually raping them in a way (that doesn't even make sense).

o i wanted to share to you guys how i figured out that i was half gay. so i have this gay second cousin of mine who used to live with us and he most likely looked at gay porn on our computer. i ran into one as i was scrolling down the web adress of the internet browser! so i checked it out and i liked it. a lot. and the more i looked at it the more i know how i also like naked men! i used to look at gay porn a little more than straight porn. but even until now i had always ignored anal sex scenes. not that i found them repulsive but i was just not getting hard from watching/looking at them. my gay porn is usually of hot beefy men doing solo scenes (take a look at blulife). or i also like multiple hot men getting naked but not doing anything sexual together (check out gaysports.co.uk one of my favorite gay porn sites) so i thought at the time since my obviously gay cousin looks at that stuff, when i look at it and someone finds it in the web address drop-down they'll of course think its my gay cousin! genius right? or maybe just lucky. have i ever got caught? quite possibly. dont know for sure though. i'll ask around when i do come out "so did you guys ever catch me looking at gay porn?"


holy jeebus i just wrote an entire essay! sorry guys. i wonder how many hours this took me... its really late and i have to wake up early for work tomorrow. so i hope you guys learned a little more about me and i look forward to learning more about you guys.
take it easy guys (and any gals reading this, btw?) and God bless always.

ps. why do i feel like somebody i know is gonna read this and out me. o well i might as well come out sooner or later since men who like other men aren't anything new when you're gonna be in the fashion industry.