"certainty? in this world nothing is certain but death and taxes"

a little forewarning to my readers that this post will get a little raunchy... and a warning to my gay readers there will be graphic heterosexual content lol.

so to start it off lightly yesterday at work i got to talk to my gay crush customer. o he is dreamy though... but he's not like GORGEOUS cuz gorgeous guys tend to turn me off. WOMEN are supposed to be gorgeous. i would admire a gorgeous-looking guy, i just wouldn't like chop him or anything. but this guy he's tall, pretty built, and blond? (unusual cuz i never really like blond guys) but of all my male customers he really takes the cake--the beefcake--not really cuz he's not all that beefy. he's got a cute face and a deep voice--i'm a sucker for deep voices. so yesterday he ordered a chili from another till and he came back (to me) to ask for a plastic knife. i wanted to smile at that very moment but i had to put up an indifferent expression of course. and i said "ya sure thing!" and that was it. =P ya when i said a "talk" i meant THAT.

i asked one of my man-crazy female co-workers what she thought of the dude and she's like "he's ok" and i thought "D=< yes ="])." style="font-style: italic;">adj. Of, relating to, or having a sexual orientation to persons of either sex.

i guess you may call me bisexual. like i said in one of my earlier posts i dont really like labels to be honest. my blog title? its just to add character to it. i really think it's wrong for any of us to label our sexuality when it is one of the most complex ideas in the universe. maybe we should just say what we SEXUALLY DESIRE. homosexual, bisexual, heterosexual *shrugs shoulders* what we do know well better than our "labels" are what we like and maybe also the simple fact that we humans are... sexual--of course not all of us (for physical example look up mermaid syndrome... o and also those "asexuals"). we dont even know for certain what we really do like--heck in the words of the $100-bill guy "certainty? in this world nothing is certain but death and taxes"

some say that bisexuals are just gay men in denial, only a matter of time til they "fully" come out. not everything in the world is black and white dude. i fear that if i were to ever come out i would be condemned and not welcomed by both the homosexuals and the heterosexuals. but once again, that is not 100% certain of course.

now to explain my very own sexuality. you may not understand it unless you are me. even i dont fully understand it. and please dont judge me. only He is entitled to such doings. yes i am sexually aroused by both men and women. yes i've had sex with girls. no i have not had sex with men. when i was reading through my blog subscriptions i ran into craig's (the "one in eleven" guy i'm following) and he shared to his readers of these men call g0ys (spelled with a zero). honestly i was a shook a little after checking out their website. "am I a g0y?", i thought. craig sees them as "GMWHGM: Gay Men Who Hate Gay Men". why, you ask, did i question myself like that? because i too do not have the desire to fuck a dude in the ass nor have him fuck me there. it's not that i hate gay men in general, i'm just not interested in such acts. i dont even have sodomy with girls. would i be more interested in it in the future? maybe.

when i was in my preteens i had fantasies of fucking girls, in the pussy. never did i have such fantasies of fucking men in the ass though (not exactly because i'm a "christian"). although quite ironically there is nothing in the world that gets me off more than LOOKING at a guy's asshole. as much as i like pussy, a guy's starfish is... is... magical. BUT as much as i like men's bungholes, his dick does almost nothing to me. i'm guilty to honestly come out to you guys to say that... i have a pubic hair fetish--on men only though. (i know, ew. i'm sorry but its true) the darker and bushier the better--don't laugh at me! so, penis without the fro? next. but ironically again, ultra hairy men are a turn off. ya, not a fan of anal sex with men nor with women. cuddling with a guy or a girl, i'm totally up for that. giving oral sex to women, one of my favorite activities. oral sex with men--specifically ass play, ok. you see how unfathomable the human sexuality is? and i'm only the tip of the iceberg compared to others.

i might change in the future. i mean i never wanted a blowjob from women and that i totally detested them before actually trying it... and after trying it, boy did i eat my words--i mean she ate my dick. its a pussy with a fucking tongue... and unfortunately teeth too.

"so if the bible says it's wrong to have anal sex, then i'm off the hook, no?" just kidding, i do so much worse things than that--but then again not one sin is heavier than the other. i could just see it now if i were to ever come out as a "bisexual" to my church and tell them that i exceptionally dont have anal sex with men "but you have potential to". how dare you judge me even when i have not committed such a thing. but that's just my fantasy rant (we all have those right? hehe). so kinda funny story. a very good friend of mine who is now engaged to the pastor's daughter asked the pastor's wife if its ok to watch horror films. she said "it's totally ok. but with such 'horrific' exposure why would you risk yourself of being influenced to be 'evil'? i've seen it happen" RISK... why would you need to live a risk-free life? i also go clubbing and and partying and drinking but i know my limits. i know getting drunk is a sin. (i admit i've gotten drunk once. and that was recently on my 20th birthday. i thought why not, it's my bday, have some fun) i bet she'd give me the same lecture of why i would wanna risk getting drunk. you, my friend claim to be a "woman of God" who take no risks and live a boring life. I'm also trying to be a man of God but i'm able to spice up my life in the process.

"so we know you have unusual sexual preferences toward men. what about towards women?" nothing unusual really. i like big tits, tight pussy, long legs, slim body, cute face. just the average. not too big on big butts though. i mean not that i don't like them just kind of indifferent. big tits on a slim body are always a 3-thumbs up. although the most unusual i'd have to say is foreign, non-english accents turn me on. like the cute innocent girl who doesn't know how to speak much english... makes me go crazy and wanna fuck the shit out of her.

my story of how i knew i was "half gay"? actually i knew i liked hot men even when i was a little kid i think (as little as 5 i believe. was it lust or more of curiosity?). my very first gay voyeur experience was i think when i was a kid back in my country. so my brother's friend would sometimes come to our house to take a shower and our house was relatively "in bad condition" (do you guys say "ghetto"? cuz i'm guilty for saying that sometimes) so we had a little hole at the bottom corner of our bathroom door, big enough to see the person inside fully naked but kinda too small to not notice it quickly--i could've sworn my older brother carved it to check out our house maid taking a shower. so i saw him, completely naked, with a thick patch of pubes--and i just realized literally as i'm typing this now how i got my pubic hair fetish! you really do learn something everyday. i'm much more of a pervert when it comes to men. i definetely like to secretly watch naked men without them knowing more than i do voyeuring women. i find it very disrespectful to do that to women, like visually raping them in a way (that doesn't even make sense).

o i wanted to share to you guys how i figured out that i was half gay. so i have this gay second cousin of mine who used to live with us and he most likely looked at gay porn on our computer. i ran into one as i was scrolling down the web adress of the internet browser! so i checked it out and i liked it. a lot. and the more i looked at it the more i know how i also like naked men! i used to look at gay porn a little more than straight porn. but even until now i had always ignored anal sex scenes. not that i found them repulsive but i was just not getting hard from watching/looking at them. my gay porn is usually of hot beefy men doing solo scenes (take a look at blulife). or i also like multiple hot men getting naked but not doing anything sexual together (check out gaysports.co.uk one of my favorite gay porn sites) so i thought at the time since my obviously gay cousin looks at that stuff, when i look at it and someone finds it in the web address drop-down they'll of course think its my gay cousin! genius right? or maybe just lucky. have i ever got caught? quite possibly. dont know for sure though. i'll ask around when i do come out "so did you guys ever catch me looking at gay porn?"


holy jeebus i just wrote an entire essay! sorry guys. i wonder how many hours this took me... its really late and i have to wake up early for work tomorrow. so i hope you guys learned a little more about me and i look forward to learning more about you guys.
take it easy guys (and any gals reading this, btw?) and God bless always.

ps. why do i feel like somebody i know is gonna read this and out me. o well i might as well come out sooner or later since men who like other men aren't anything new when you're gonna be in the fashion industry.

who will devirginize my heart first?

weird day today at work... in my 7 months working there (i work at a coffee shop btw) i've never seen so many good-looking guys in one day! where did they all come from??? as if the male angels just stopped flying and randomly dropped in toronto... i swear, there were tall guys, construction guys, meathead guys, cute guys, asian guys, latino guys, blonde guys, brown-haired guys, UPS guys, office guys, you name it... all were damn hot. "tall, blonde, dark and lean. rough and tough and strong and mean" *"it's raining men" playing in the background* my straight half was like where the hell are all the hot chicks at?

talk about hot chicks, after all the hot guys that came in today, this regular female customer i've always had the hots for since i worked there came with her boyfriend... (kinda looks like they're a new couple. you can just tell) and they were kissing IN LINE (and it wasn't the peck kind of kiss either--went all out french)! that's just classless no matter how hot you are. but she's lovely... she's tall, she's got the face, the boobs, the legs, the hair, everything. she's got the face that even when she doesn't have any makeup on she's still bangin (yes i've seen her come in without make up for one reason or another) and she seems really nice too. so i've got these immature co-workers who're always embarassing me when she comes in. in front of her they'd go "ooh joey look who's here... ok ok you take the till... say hi joey!... why you blushing?" dang yo, talk about verbal depants. so ya you can imagine being in my shoes how awkward it was seeing her with her boyfriend--especially after all these months seeing her without one. luckily i was too busy with something else to serve her, but i saw. *:) :| :( >:O* haha whatever. did i get a good look of her boyfriend? honestly i wish i did but i didn't. wonder why... (in so much shock maybe? lol) all i remember was that he was also tall. and ya almost all of my co-workers saw what happened and they were like "tsk, sorry joey *pats my back and then laughs*" bastards lol

ok i said i was to tell you the nitty gritty stuff but i'll save that for later ;)

k so you know that i'm into fashion. "what else are you into?"

anything that makes me laugh. anything that's challenging both physically and mentally. anything interactive and doable with friends and family. love to socialize. i'm a relatively active guy but i'm not like crazy for sports. i'm almost always up for any sport/activity if my buds ask me to come. but i rarely ever watch any sports other than the nfl and occasionally the nba. hockey? meh... no offense to y'alls lol. fact: i skated for the first time in my 20-year-life last october. surprisingly better than i'd thought maybe cuz i used to rollerblade a lot when i was a kid.

what else?... oh snowboarding is a must every winter. i wanna try skiing sometime.

i also love videogames. but i'm more of the geek videogamer. a nintendo-ist more than an xbox-ist. pokemon is guiltily (that a word?) a personal favorite. i fell in love with it at ten, i still do now hehe. almost anything mario is pretty cool. rpg games are addictively fun also (paper mario, pokemon, final fantasy saga). "modern action" games dont really tickle my fancy (such as COD, Metal Gear Solid, etc.) i'm more into "ancient/exotic action" games such as onimusha, dynasty warriors, god of war, etc. japanese fighting games are also fun too like soul calibur, tekken, street fighter, dragonball. though a modern action game you can't go wrong with has got to be grand theft auto--this game needs a genre of its own i swear, one of the best games ever. any of you have played zelda ocarina of time? hands down for me best game ever. the beatles of videogames. so now you know i really like videogames but i'm definetely not your typical "cool" videogamer =D

i'll tell you a little about what i'd consider a good date... a good date is NOT a movie theatre date. "but it's dark and you can do 'stuff' in it joey!" thats what bedrooms are made for (and sometimes cars hehe). when you're only allowed to sit there and shut up, it's obviously one of the worst first dates--or even any date--ever. it should involve a fun and active activity (hence the word) my partner and i can enjoy. it should of course include dinner, anywhere decent as long as the food's good and the place is ok. i'm not very romantic. i dont look for it or try to impress my partner with it. if it does come knocking i invite it in. same goes with love (btw i've never been in one. so will it be a guy or a girl who'll devirginize my heart?)

ps. the picture is of a dude's room with pokemon figurines lining up the wall...

so this is more about me. nothing interesting just the very ordinary. thanks for reading and take it easy peeps. God bless always.

"I'm a disaster in everything else..."

hmm havent posted anything for quite sometime now...

so many things to say, so little time. where did i leave off? high school?

so ya the high school i went to had all these preppy kids wearing their typical preppy clothes. (btw, my school was huge--3,600 students, 4 buildings, 2 cafeterias, and 2 gyms. it was more like a college than a high school haha. hard to believe its a public school) i went from obsessing over ecko unltd to going crazy over burberry, gucci and such. lol now my gayness was starting to show by then. it was probably the start of everybody's suspicions on me. it was actually my sister who introduced to such brands and i started noticing the kids at my school wore them too. i own this burberry polo shirt that eventually got bleach spilled on it by my mom. i also ownED a burberry wallet that i managed to keep for 3 years then "lost" it then my other sister found it and gave it to me on my bday (boy what a bday surprise that was) THEN a week later i lost the bloody thing again--and no it was not found again. burberry hates me.

like i said in my ealier post i had always had a passion for clothes. but because of the stereotype that only gay men would have such a passion (and that everybody else see me as straight) i was in denial of the career choice i was pursuing all throughout high school. in those 4 years i THOUGHT that i wanted to have a high-paying career such as a doctor. kinda funny story... so at the beginning of high school i dont know what posessed me into thinking i could maybe somehow become a neuro surgeon considering that my grades were pretty average. then i thought maybe that involves too much thinking... so in 10th grade i thought oh ok how about i become a plastic surgeon? not as complicated but still ballin right? then 11th grade... "ya not plastic surgeon. a dentist!"... not a chance. FINALLY march of 12th grade somebody suggested me to be a COMMERCIAL PILOT! "brilliant... not as much math involved as dentists but still potential to make the 6-figures." so did i go for that all the way through graduation, you ask? nope. so between march and june i was still hesitating and i thank God for such hesitation or else i would've had to pursue a career which involves being away from home for the majority of the time and depressing over a career i do not enjoy for the next 40 years or so? i say "hell to the motherfucking no."--excuse my language.

so it was summer and i finally confessed to my parents (and then to everybody else) that i'm not gonna be a pilot. i wanted to go into fashion. i'm gonna be honest to you guys and say that even until now i really dont know whether i want to be a fashion designer but i know for sure i wanted to go into the fashion industry, whether it'd be a designer or a modelling agent or a photographer or even a magazine editor (GQ sounds nice hehe). i told my oldest sister (the one who introduced me to the brands) and she was ecstatic. my parents' reaction? so they say that they're proud that i've chosen to go for something i'm truly passionate of BUT a little bird has told me my mom is not 100% satisfied with my choice. oh well. the fact of the matter is she's not the one who will provide me the life i WANT to live. not to be arrogant but she should be somewhat be proud of me considering out of the 4 kids (i'm the youngest) she has i'm the only one who actually will go to college.

"why fashion?" i wasn't (and still isn't haha) the most attractive person. nor am i the smartest person. nor am i the richest person. nor am i the most athletic. it is one of the few ways i am able to express my individuality. it is one of the few things i can be decent doing. in the words of Valentino "I'm a disaster in everything else..."

and that's a little more about me. i'll tell you in the next post of my bizarre sexuality. when i explain it to you you may hate me, you may love me, but it is ME. sorry to have this post so long and boring and dramatic. i really am a guy who loves to poke fun at things and just let loose. so peace out guys and God bless always.

march 18th official hangover day

hehe i lied. i said 2 nights ago that i was about to write a new post last night but i totally forgot to.

today's st. patrick's day! *pinches self for not wearing green* the one holiday i absolutely do not understand. so i wikied (guilty =P) the bloody holiday n i still dont understand why its a holiday worth celebrating. i mean i get it if you're irish and all but if you're not... but nevertheless its a neat little holiday to just go out n drink for the sake the holiday--not this year for me. tho it'd be way cool if they made march 18th official hangover day n it'd also be statutory.

but where did i leave off from my last post? so you wanna hear more about me?--"no joey, we wanna hear more about your next door neighbor's cat."

about my sexual preferences... it's very complicated. even if i explained to you you wont understand. but i'll do the explaining sometime later--kinda too lazy to think rite now. and it's gonna take some time which at the moment i dont have much of.

my decision to go into fashion this year... so i had always been interested in clothes. ever since 8th grade i think. i used to be just whatever in what i wear before then. possibly because the kids at my middle school were rich white jews who had the money to actually look good.

i remember thinkin to myself the summer before 8th grade "i gotta do something new this year... how about try on decent clothing?" because like many teens i wanted to stand out. i admit i wasn't the hottest guy at school so what i lacked in looks i make up in the clothes that i wear (or so i thought) i started to notice who looked good and who didn't. i'm constantly changing in the way i dress--even til now. so back in 8th grade i used to look up to this guy named ryan. i used to pay close attention to what he wore and what brands and shit like that. ecko unltd = the brand i used to be obsessed with for a whole year. i've seen a lot of kids wearing abercrombie but i've never really been interested in it possibly because it lacks in style (even before i really got into fashion i knew it was bad taste...) back then i never realized so many black people wore it until i entered high school. this was the year that changed my life forever.

uhh *looks at time* shit its late i gotta go to the gym before it closes haha. i'll write more later (dunno when) but take care and God bless.

INTRODUCTION

ok well i've never had a blog before so this is all new shit for me. so a blog is like your little diary right?--but with much less privacy obviously. so i'm not your typical computer nerd so i really dont know how to do much. i dont even know how to post up pics--i mean i know but like they say that i cant post pics from online without the author's permission and whatnot so any suggestions? nor do i know how to put up youtube vids. and also anybody know how i can post new entries via the iphone?

anyways, about me! man i got so much to say i dont even know where to start...
so i'm a closeted bisexual guy who lives in toronto. i was inspired to write a blog because of these 3 bloggers i stumbled upon (links to them are in my "following" section thingy) so the story is that i was just browsing the internet and i stumbled upon a recently-out-of-the-closet rugby player named gareth thomas. and i was like "D=< a gay professional rugby player!" rugby players are very hot dude... back to the stumbling. i googled him, then i ran into this link to outsports.com and I then found an article there about a closeted gay hockey player who lives in minnesota. from his blog i found those other two blogs. i find non-heterosexual athletes very interesting, especially the "straight-acting" ones (which are my favorite gay guys). why are they interesting? maybe because we just arent aware of too many of them and i am able to relate to them in some ways... though i find the flaming gay ones VERY entertaining. many of you would be lying if you told me they're not funny.

you can call me... joey =)

like i said earlier i MAY consider myself to be bisexual. although i truly believe human sexuality is so much more complicated than... labels, lack of a better word. i dont know if i really am bisexual but what i do know is what i like. and since i do like men and women almost equally (depending on my mood) i guess you can call me that. i'll tell you more about my sexual preferences (i'll try to keep it more R-rated and less X-rated) my birthdate on my profile is fake, but the birth year is all real. i love music. the beatles is definetely one of my fav bands. you can tell from the title of my blog right?... or maybe not LOL. its from one of their songs called "hello goodbye" i know its corny but those who know me know i'm always corny. i like all kinds of music as long as i like the sound. i may be shallow for saying this but the lyrics doesn't mean much when the sound makes me get up and dance. my ipod spectrum covers from disney music all the way to heavy metal. i hate how nowadays just because you're a certain stereotype you cant enjoy the music you actually like. not only music but pretty much everything from movies to clothes to food etc. do what you like guys! i try to, but i admit i do resist doing certain things because i'm... whatever.

*looks at time* k i'm gonna have to wrap this up in a bit. i can't exactly tell you guys my nationality but what i can tell you is that i AM asian. because there arent too many of my nationality in toronto so i'll keep it more general. i am a protestant christian and i'll tell you in later posts of the loopholes i find in the bible in my own defense (is that even possible? lol). i am going into fashion for skool this fall and when i tell people they have this confused look on their face as if no straight-acting guys would go into one. i'll tell you the whole story behind my decision to go into it in later posts too. so just recently i've gotten serious about gym. because i thought i should really look good for this summer. i wanna be BIG. but not bodybuilder big. like linebacker build is about right (that'll take time of course haha). i dont really want too much definition, just more meat. but my main problem is the diet. i have to eat A LOT and i realize i might not have the money for it... err, stupid money. well i looked into affordable muscle foods online and i'll have to think about it. k guys i'll definetely write more later (maybe tonight, most likely tommorow night). take care and God bless.